February 2013, we decided to try again. Trying should have
been fun, I was just 22 and we had only been married a year. The problem was I
had now experienced a pregnancy loss. I had hidden it from my friends and
turned to the internet. I was now a part of a ‘sisterhood’ from all over the
world on the journey to motherhood.
The TTC (Trying to Conceive) Sisterhood speak a new
language. I learnt a lot. Many of these
ladies have incredible stories, a great depth of knowledge and we all shared a
common goal… GET PREGNANT! They were my lifeline, they became my obsession. TTC
took over my life.
All this knowledge turned me crazy. Sex became scheduled and
would involve special lubricants applied 15 mins prior to sex, pillows under my
bum followed by my legs in the air, a daily 5am alarm to check my basal body
temperature and no wee passed without being tested for ovulation or pregnancy
depending on where I was in my cycle. Andrew was now married to a women on a
mission and the most intimate thing in our marriage had become a chore.
In the summer of 2013 my sister in law let me in on her
plans to start a family. Finally someone in my non virtual life I could talk
to. I bombarded her with information, I opened up about my feelings, I shared
everything and we spent hours upon hours emailing, I was no longer alone. We
were in this together.
October came and she announced to us her pregnancy. 12
weeks, she was already 12 weeks pregnant. She had her first ultrasound earlier
that week and they were now in the ‘safe’ zone and ready to share their news.
We left their home and it was raining, I ran to the car, I ran to our room, I
got into bed and stayed there for 2 days sobbing uncontrollably.
Was I jealous? No I don’t think so. Of course I would be
lying if I said I’ve not felt jealousy along the way but she wasn’t the first
person in my life to fall pregnant while we were trying. This baby wouldn’t be
the first, nor the last. What I did feel was deception. All that time I thought
she understood, I felt I wasn’t alone, we were in it together. I know now that
she would have never wanted to deceive me. For them it was exciting, they were
bringing a new life into the world and embarking on a new chapter. It’s also
very much the norm to wait till 12 weeks for the big reveal. But for me life
was on hold and it was back to my online TTC Sisterhood, back to feeling alone
and bottling up all the emotions following my Ectopic and trying for a baby in
the life I actually lived.
I pulled myself together and put on a brave face as my
brother’s wedding day had arrived. I was privileged to sit on the top table as
Maid of Honor. It was one of the proudest, happiest days of my life. However
as I sat there in a room full of friends and family filled with love and
laughter a part of me was empty. Our first baby should have been there, 3
months old. My life could have been so different. These thoughts don’t leave
me, many an occasion I reflect on how old they would have been and who would
they have looked liked, what would they be doing.
Christmas Day came and a year had passed since the Ectopic.
I remember preparing the vegetables with my mum, dad was lighting the fire,
Andrew playing games with my brothers and finally I felt like a weight had been
lifted. We had survived the first year, all be it a little unsteady but we had
got through it and we would continue to do so. I have a wonderful family, they
are just there, tolerating my meltdowns, picking me back up again and never
short of fun and laughter.
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