In the months that past after the cremation of Roo I took
some much needed time out from work. Andrew got stuck into his new job, he had
made a step into car sales. It was demanding on his time and weekends, it kept
him busy and would pay well.
I made some great new friends while off from work, they were
all mums, home with little ones which is ironic but they supported me and
included me on days out and coffee catch ups which kept me busy. Thankfully ‘Mum’
chat wasn’t what I had previously imagined, they made me laugh, let me cry and
opened my eyes to parenthood of earth babies.
After months away from work I returned to my Monday-Friday,
8-4 job. This proved very testing on my relationship with Andrew. He was often
home late and I was eating alone, he worked Saturdays and was usually too
tiered and depressed to do anything come Sunday so the one day we had together we
would mope around the house. I felt lonely, surrounded by people but lonely.
Things needed to change, we couldn’t go on like this, Andrew
agreed. He was often returning home to a teary wife. That wasn’t good for
either of us. He quit his job and returned to his previous role at a different
dealership. I applied for a new job and we decide to move house. Our home held
so many unhappy memories of the past few years.
Stressed with the pressure of my new role in Project
Management, mortgage offers, surveys and New Home builders February 2016 had
already arrived. A year since the conception of Roo had passed in a blur.
Andrew returned home from work and asked that after dinner
we took a walk to the shop and brought a pregnancy test. He had a feeling we were
expecting and had picked up on some boob changes… Men :)
My period was late and I hadn’t even noticed. The crazy, obsessed,
TTC Sisterhood member hadn’t noticed! That was a huge positive in itself. I was resistant but agreed and we walked up to
our local supermarket.
That evening I sat in the bathroom and took yet another pregnancy
test. Andrew waited in our bedroom. I walked in and flung the test at him ‘Clear
as day’ I said, angry. He picked the test up. PREGNANT. ‘You’re pregnant’ he
said, looking at me bewildered. I started to cry and he brought me into his
chest. My safe place.
I knew it said pregnant but I couldn’t believe I was putting
us through it again. Things were picking up 2016 was set out to be a good year
and we had so much going on. I didn’t want to drag us back down again. The happiness
and joy that had previously come from a positive pregnancy test had gone. This
baby would again have a November due date, like the previous two pregnancies.
Very detached from the pregnancy we continued with our
lives. Attending appointments and scans. Ticking them off, one at a time. This pregnancy
was our secret and wouldn’t be shared until we were confident I was carrying a
healthy baby. Yes we needed support but more than anything we wanted the opportunity
to share good news, not news that came with anxieties and worries.
We were scanned by the consultant at 8 weeks and this time
we paid for a private test called Harmony. At just 10 weeks pregnant I went and
had a blood test. The test would analyse cell free DNA and would tell us if our
baby had a chromosome abnormality. The results would be back before the dreaded
12 week scan. (It is important I mention that our abnormalities have been
picked up at 12 weeks but for many they are not picked up until the abnormality
scan at 20 weeks or beyond in rare cases.)
Sat in the garden at my sister in laws surrounded by my new ‘Mum’
friends, loading my email it was there. The results had been emailed to me. They
were unaware. I walked off outside and tried to call Andrew. Do I read them? Did
I wait till we were together? I expected a call in a few days’ time I didn’t realise
I would receive them as an email or so soon. Andrew didn’t answer.
I returned to the garden and waited an hour or so before I couldn’t
take it any longer. I looked at the results. Our fourth baby, our precious little rainbow was healthy.
A Rainbow pregnancy or baby follows from a pregnancy or
infant loss. In the real world a beautiful bright rainbow follows a storm and
gives hope of things getting better.
I left his sisters and headed to the supermarket, at just 11
weeks pregnant I picked up a card and 2 newborn baby grows. I put them in a gift
box and later that evening presented Andrew with the box and card from his Baby
GIRL.
This pregnancy has been kind to us, we’ve pushed through the
appointments and all is well. The anxieties have been hard, our losses are
etched into our hearts and will never be forgotten. I am writing from a much
better place, a stronger place. Together we have come so far, together we have
learnt that just a little bit of love can give you the most incredible
strength. Nobody should have to face this heartache alone.
Our story is about to get a very happy new beginning. It
feels my heart with love, warmth, excitement and nerves to write that Andrew
& I are expecting to welcome our baby girl into the world in just 6 weeks
time.