Anencephaly

Under a resolution to keep away from the internet, test sticks and craziness that had previously absorbed me, 2014 got off to a much better start.

I was still taking my temperature daily, it was a good way to monitor my cycles and detect ovulation which for me varied in each cycle. I was also having regular reflexology which I would recommend to anyone, it regulated my cycles and I got the best night’s sleep following a treatment.  Also for an hour each fortnight I relaxed away from everything and indulged in some me time.  I still have reflexology now.

February ended on a high, finally a positive pregnancy test! Because of the Ectopic I would have a scan at 8 weeks to check the baby was growing in the right place. We’d had our bad luck, we’d been the 1 in 4 and now this was our time. We decided we would share the news with family after the scan, when we had a scan picture to show off.

Our scan was on Andrews mums birthday, the baby was growing well and the flicker of heartbeat could be seen, a feeling of love overwhelmed us. We had the scan picture rolled up and put inside a balloon. That evening at dinner with all his family Andrew gave his mum a Birthday card which included a safety pin & asked her to pop the balloon. Once the balloon was popped and the picture unrolled she screamed with excitement jumping up and down and hugging us both so tightly. A reaction beyond our expectations.

The next day we had dinner with my family, Chinese take away! My parents were in on the plan and we had made some fortune cookies that inside read ‘Baby Reed due November 2014’. After dinner we all opened a fortune cookie, my brothers were more interested in the cookies than the fortune and my sister in law firstly thought she had opened mine but it didn’t take long for the penny to drop.

So much excitement, planning and dreaming followed in the weeks to come. Our baby was on the way! We measured up the spare room for furniture and spent hours online looking at all the things we would purchase, reading reviews and discussing names, absorbing every moment of pregnancy. We booked a last minute final holiday for the two of us and would return the day before the 12 week scan.

Scan day arrived, April 29^th, we were woken by a phone call. Our beautiful, blue eyed niece had safely entered the world. Our scan was scheduled just before visiting hours so we would head to the hospital with Andrews mum and then go and meet our newborn niece.

While Andrew was in the shower I had a cuddle with my Dad. I was feeling extremely sick, nervous and needed some support. In just a few hours we would be at our 12 week scan.  

‘What happens if the scan doesn’t go well? How do I deal with the possibility of bringing sadness into a day that should now be filled with sheer joy?’ I asked him.

Dad gave me the comfort I needed, he couldn’t guarantee everything would be OK but he could remind me I was strong, I had a supportive family and I wouldn’t have to face anything alone.

We were there in a room of darkness, I was led on the hospital bed with Andrew at my side as we held hands tightly. Jelly was applied to my belly and the sonographer started the scan. A friend of mine had suffered a silent miscarriage and I was petrified I would too however a moment later a baby could be seen, the heartbeat still flickering. Few.

‘I’m sorry’ she said. ‘I just need to get another opinion’ and she left the room. The chill of panic ran through my body. I knew it, I knew something was wrong. She returned to the room with a second sonographer who took over the ultrasound machine. Just minutes later they turned to us and broke the news that our baby, our second baby, looked to have a brain abnormality. Unfortunately the consultant wasn’t available and we were asked to return tomorrow.

As we walked down the corridor and out of the hospital the lump building in my throat suffocated me. I couldn’t breathe. The tears came flooding for us both.

Outside we were greeted by Andrew’s mum who was waiting to visit her first grandchild and hear our news. We didn’t speak, we didn’t need to. She knew, the tears rolled down her face too as we all stood there holding one another in the car park. Empty.

On the drive back home, Andrew was able to tell her what had happened, he asked her not to tell his sister until tomorrow, she had just had her beautiful little girl and the day should be celebrated. I just stared out of the window in silence. When I got home I walked in and howled, my parents were in the kitchen. They often talk about the ‘howl’ and pain they could hear in my cry. Through the tears and lack of breath I was able to tell them our devastating news.

Minutes felt like hours as we clocked watched counting down to the appointment with the consultant.

His sister was told the following morning, she was home from hospital and we went to visit, our pregnancy was not to be mentioned. The first time we met our niece we would never get back and we didn’t want it to be taken over by the sadness, the sadness was there but silent. I managed to hold her, admire her tiny fingers and toes. We didn’t stay long. We didn’t know then but it would be weeks before we would have the courage to see her again.

At the hospital our worst fears were confirmed as we sat in the ‘quiet room’. My mum was there for support and it was explained to us that our baby had an abnormality known as Anencephaly. When born it was unlikely the baby would survive more than a few hours. It was then we made one of the hardest decisions of our lives. We decided to have a TFMR (Termination For Medical Reasons).

Deciding to terminate our much wanted pregnancy didn’t come easily. How do you decide to end something you have spent years dreaming of? How do you choose to end a life you have created?

We wanted this baby more than we wanted anything in the world. However we were parents and decisions were no longer about us, how could we bring a baby into the world that would potentially suffer?  How could we put ourselves and our family through a pregnancy and the birth of a baby that would likely never make it home? These factors outweighed our desire to have a baby. I would be admitted to hospital 2 days later for a surgical procedure that would end the pregnancy.

This time we decided to tell our closest friends, I had learnt from the Ectopic that keeping things bottled up was not good for my well-being. I needed to be able to open up about how I was feeling. For 2 years I had felt stuck in the body of someone that wasn’t actually me, hiding a secret life from most of my friends. My best friend had known from the Ectopic and certainly reminded me how to have a good time when I was feeling low so to her I will be eternally grateful.

I went to hospital, was put under general, woke up and it was over. The baby had gone, dreams shattered.

A few weeks later my Dad reminded me of the joy that being pregnant had brought to us all. The baby that we never got to meet brought us all such happiness for those few weeks. We wouldn’t let this pregnancy end our journey, we would continue to chase our dreams.