FOURever Is Near

Libby will soon become a BIG sister! Suddenly she doesn’t feel like a baby any more. She’s grown up so much, her communication is just incredible, she is so determined, very independent, inquisitive, always smiling (or pouting 😂) and a little too sassy but we wouldn’t have her any other way. She makes us laugh daily and fills us with so much love & pride. Libby has been my little superstar this pregnancy, sitting beside me through the morning sickness, cuddling up with me for a TV day when the exhaustion takes it toll, and we have enjoyed a few too many biscuits together! 

She wasn’t very well last week nothing serious and she bounced right back but I cancelled our plans, pushed everything else aside and sat the two of us cuddled on the sofa. In that moment it hit me... the realisation that it won’t just be us for much longer. I won’t always be able to forget everything else and just cuddle, someone else will need me as their Mumma too. 

Libby hasn’t had to share me with anyone for almost two years and I can contently say I have loved every precious moment and we have truly made the most of that time together. She won’t remember this time but I will and it will always be so special to me. I feel a little guilty, like I’m taking it away from her. But I have to keep reminding myself what she is gaining...A little brother!

I have two ‘little’ brothers, both bigger than me now! I  have been so lucky to have them, so many childhood memories we enjoyed together and actually very few upsets. I never had to do anything alone as someone was always about to play, at school, at clubs or on holidays. We have had so much fun and we still continue to do so now. They are always there for me and I know that no matter what it is I can call them and they will be there. It’s a truly special bond. 

I am so emotional at the moment, even thinking about leaving Libby for a couple of days while I’m in hospital gets me all teary. I am going to miss her so much, her beautiful fresh brown eyes in the morning when she comes into bed for a cuddle, her nursery rhyme singing and dance bopping, her little voice saying ‘Mummaaaaa’.

For all of us there are some big changes ahead and it’s a little scary. I hear 2 is a game changer?! 

I hope me and Andrew have done all we can to prepare and ensure there is minimal impact on Libby’s world. 

Libby, Thank You for sharing this wonderful journey with me. I’m so excited for our next adventure as a family of 4. I might not be 100% the Mumma you know over the coming weeks but I will always love you unconditionally, you will always be my rainbow and the beautiful little girl that made all my dreams come true. I can’t wait to spend another year at home with both you and your brother. I just know you are going to make the most amazing BIG sister xxxx

Expanding Our Family

We are often asked ‘Do you want anymore?’ or ‘When’s the next one?’. 

Since Libbys arrival we have always been quite open about the fact that for us Libby was perfect and we had no intention of having anymore. 

For me the choice to try again was almost like saying our world wasn’t complete, it would open up a whole world of heartache and memories that although will of course always be with us and play a huge part of who we are today the past is where we wish to keep it. How would we cope with another loss around Libby? We couldn’t jet off on holiday and drop our responsibilities in the way we had before.

I toyed with my emotions and the guilt of her being an only child, not having siblings like both Andrew & I but as a sociable couple with plenty of little ones playing big parts in our life we knew Libby would be just fine. She would get our full attention, love and would hopefully never go without.

And then it happens, drunken, unprotected sex over the festive period. 

A few weeks later, I returned to work from maternity leave and Libby started nursery. We were just getting settled when it happened..... a late period and positive pregnancy test!

We are having another baby. 3 will soon become 4 and Libby will soon become a big sister. And with no doubt a fantastic one at that. 

Starting Nursery

Tomorrow I return to work after the most incredible 14 months leave. I’m looking forward to returning, a 30 minute car journey to myself, getting stuck into new projects, being able to sit at a desk on a computer without a 1 year old smacking the keyboard or clinging to my ankles, sipping on really hot coffee, using the toilet without a tiny human trying to climb in my knickers or peer into the toilet while pulling the whole roll of toilet paper over the floor. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll reach 4pm without a snot covered top and finally I can spend my day talking to adults... ha! who am I kidding I’ve spent a whole year talking the ears off all my lovely new mum friends.

However I am extremely emotional that tomorrow morning when my baby girl wakes Mummy won’t be here. It will be Daddy that gets her up and ready for her first day at nursery. Libby’s bags are packed, her clothes ready and Andrews been practising how to put her hair up the last few days. (Top Dad!!!) It will also be Andrew that drops her to nursery. This is probably for the best as I’m pretty sure I’d be a blubbing mess even though she’s already had 3 settling in sessions.

Libby will be in the care of some wonderful ladies and I trust them with the most precious person in my life yet at the moment they are strangers. It breaks my heart that when she holds out her thumb and pinches it against her index finger they won’t know she wants to hold hands. They won’t know that when she picks up a tambourine she’s expecting them to sing ‘kumbaya’ or when she’s straddling their feet she wants to be bounced. What about if she falls and hurts herself? Will their cuddles be good enough? All those hurdles she’s about to overcome, new friends to make, new routines to adjust to and new surroundings to become familiar with. She won’t know or understand why I’m not there just yet as she’s still too little, too little to be in that big world without me... 

Libby is a confident, sociable, happy, independent, sassy little girl. I know that nursery for her will be a wonderland filled with new things to explore, discover and learn.

Be brave my baby girl, have lots of fun making new friends! I wish I could be a fly on the wall and watch all the magical things you get up to. Show them all the love, laughter and cheekiness you have to give. Know that being your Mummy will always be my number one role and I cannot wait to pick you up. Xx

1 Year On

So here we are, a whole year has passed and we now have a walking, talking beautiful 1 year old little girl.

I was induced a few weeks early and throughout my labour I never allowed myself to believe she would be here. I was petrified. Labour for me was going to be the end. The closest we’d ever got to having an earth baby and becoming a family of 3. I never allowed myself to think things would go smoothly. Aniexty stripped the excitement and anticipation of her arrival leaving nothing but fear.

A perfect baby was placed on my chest. I didn’t feel the overwhelming sense of love many new mums talk about and went into a state a shock. We had done it, all those years and heartache dreaming of this moment and it was here. She was here, my mini me, our Little Libby.

Through the overwhelming emotions and the realisation that she needed me, needed Andrew and deserved nothing but the best from us both it wasn’t long before I fell more deeply in love than I ever imagined possible. She was ours.

That moment change our lives forever, it was the start of what has become the most rewarding, fulfilling, exciting new journey!

She was soon smiling, rolling, sitting, clapping, ‘Dadda, Mumma, Nana, Ta’, crawling, pulling herself up, waving, standing, feeding herself, a tooth, walking, blowing kisses. While my heart bursts with pride every time she does something new there’s a sadness tugging at it too. Where has my little baby gone? She is now fiercely independent, confident, extremely happy & content little girl.

I know every parent dreams of a happy healthy child growing and developing as they should. That I have and I’m so, so thankful but I can’t help but want to pause time for a moment. Don’t grow up too quickly Libby, please.

Libby because of you, I’ve found myself. Because of you, we have a reason to smile every single day. Because of you, we are parents. Something we always dreamed of. Because of you, we know the deepest meaning of love. Because of you, we strive to be the best we can be. Because of you, we are beyond tired - always! But because of you, we are complete, we are one, we are a family. 

Thank you for being everything we ever dreamed of and more. Loving you is the easiest thing I have ever done. You are my rainbow, my sunshine, my everything. 

Happy 1st Birthday xxx

Expecting Our Rainbow

In the months that past after the cremation of Roo I took some much needed time out from work. Andrew got stuck into his new job, he had made a step into car sales. It was demanding on his time and weekends, it kept him busy and would pay well.

I made some great new friends while off from work, they were all mums, home with little ones which is ironic but they supported me and included me on days out and coffee catch ups which kept me busy. Thankfully ‘Mum’ chat wasn’t what I had previously imagined, they made me laugh, let me cry and opened my eyes to parenthood of earth babies.

After months away from work I returned to my Monday-Friday, 8-4 job. This proved very testing on my relationship with Andrew. He was often home late and I was eating alone, he worked Saturdays and was usually too tiered and depressed to do anything come Sunday so the one day we had together we would mope around the house. I felt lonely, surrounded by people but lonely.

Things needed to change, we couldn’t go on like this, Andrew agreed. He was often returning home to a teary wife. That wasn’t good for either of us. He quit his job and returned to his previous role at a different dealership. I applied for a new job and we decide to move house. Our home held so many unhappy memories of the past few years.

Stressed with the pressure of my new role in Project Management, mortgage offers, surveys and New Home builders February 2016 had already arrived. A year since the conception of Roo had passed in a blur.

Andrew returned home from work and asked that after dinner we took a walk to the shop and brought a pregnancy test. He had a feeling we were expecting and had picked up on some boob changes… Men :)

My period was late and I hadn’t even noticed. The crazy, obsessed, TTC Sisterhood member hadn’t noticed! That was a huge positive in itself.  I was resistant but agreed and we walked up to our local supermarket.

That evening I sat in the bathroom and took yet another pregnancy test. Andrew waited in our bedroom. I walked in and flung the test at him ‘Clear as day’ I said, angry. He picked the test up. PREGNANT. ‘You’re pregnant’ he said, looking at me bewildered. I started to cry and he brought me into his chest. My safe place.

I knew it said pregnant but I couldn’t believe I was putting us through it again. Things were picking up 2016 was set out to be a good year and we had so much going on. I didn’t want to drag us back down again. The happiness and joy that had previously come from a positive pregnancy test had gone. This baby would again have a November due date, like the previous two pregnancies.

Very detached from the pregnancy we continued with our lives. Attending appointments and scans. Ticking them off, one at a time. This pregnancy was our secret and wouldn’t be shared until we were confident I was carrying a healthy baby. Yes we needed support but more than anything we wanted the opportunity to share good news, not news that came with anxieties and worries.

We were scanned by the consultant at 8 weeks and this time we paid for a private test called Harmony. At just 10 weeks pregnant I went and had a blood test. The test would analyse cell free DNA and would tell us if our baby had a chromosome abnormality. The results would be back before the dreaded 12 week scan. (It is important I mention that our abnormalities have been picked up at 12 weeks but for many they are not picked up until the abnormality scan at 20 weeks or beyond in rare cases.)

Sat in the garden at my sister in laws surrounded by my new ‘Mum’ friends, loading my email it was there. The results had been emailed to me. They were unaware. I walked off outside and tried to call Andrew. Do I read them? Did I wait till we were together? I expected a call in a few days’ time I didn’t realise I would receive them as an email or so soon.  Andrew didn’t answer.

I returned to the garden and waited an hour or so before I couldn’t take it any longer. I looked at the results. Our fourth baby, our precious little rainbow was healthy.

A Rainbow pregnancy or baby follows from a pregnancy or infant loss. In the real world a beautiful bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better.

I left his sisters and headed to the supermarket, at just 11 weeks pregnant I picked up a card and 2 newborn baby grows. I put them in a gift box and later that evening presented Andrew with the box and card from his Baby GIRL.

This pregnancy has been kind to us, we’ve pushed through the appointments and all is well. The anxieties have been hard, our losses are etched into our hearts and will never be forgotten. I am writing from a much better place, a stronger place. Together we have come so far, together we have learnt that just a little bit of love can give you the most incredible strength. Nobody should have to face this heartache alone.  

Our story is about to get a very happy new beginning. It feels my heart with love, warmth, excitement and nerves to write that Andrew & I are expecting to welcome our baby girl into the world in just 6 weeks time. 

Saying Goodbye

11^th May 2015, I took the dreaded tablets to end our much wished for pregnancy. I would return 48 hours later when I would be given pessaries to soften the cervix and deliver Roo. I don’t actually remember where Roo came from but that was the name we had given the baby while pregnant and it had stuck.

We were sat on the ground floor of the hospital, our friends just above us bringing their newest addition into the world. This little boy is now my very cheeky Godson.

I have 5 Godchildren, a niece and a nephew. Our lives are blessed with their magical imaginations, smiles and laughter. They lift us from the darkest of places, they are innocent, caring, show us so much affection and turn to Andrew & I for fun and cuddles. Being greeted by them and witnessing the excitement in their faces as they see us made the pain ease. We have been lucky enough to have big involvements in their lives, we have watched them grow and the individual personalities of them all develop.

The following evening we were having dinner at my parents with my family. I suddenly felt very sick. I was unable to eat, uncomfortable and very hot. Pacing up and down the kitchen we decided to head home. I didn’t have my hospital bag on me and thinking we may have to go in before the scheduled appointment it was best we left.

On the journey home my belly was cramping and my back in agony. We decided we would get home, run a bath and if that didn’t settle it then we would head into hospital. I hate hospitals, I have never left a hospital and felt relived. I was in no hurry to head there.

As I stepped into the bath there was two tiny little pops. A very light brown liquid dribbled down my leg. What was that? Andrew now adamant we were heading straight to the hospital walked into our bedroom and phoned the ward while I showered off. I was still in incredible pain.

Suddenly the urge to push, I was scared, crying and panic had taken over. What if Roo came now? I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want any more attachment than I needed to have with this pregnancy and baby, I wasn’t strong enough to face seeing him.

I screamed for Andrew, ‘Roo’s coming I can feel it’ I sobbed. He grabbed the towel and helped me out of the bath. I was on the floor of the bathroom knelt up on my knees with the towel beneath me. As I pushed I could feel Roo between my legs. My eyes fixed on Andrew to help me, he knelt beside me and confirmed Roo was there still attached by the umbilical cord. He pinched it between his fingers to release Roo. I couldn’t look. He wrapped him up and told me to get dressed as we now needed to go to the hospital.

Roo had been delivered very late in the evening on the 12^th May.

At the hospital they examined me, I still had to deliver the after birth. That’s why I was still cramping. They would do this using forceps, it was uncomfortable but afterwards all my cramping and pain disappeared. They advised me that other couples who had experienced similar found it beneficial to see their babies as it helped them grieve.

Andrew had seen Roo, how could I let him deal with that alone? I agreed to see him in the morning.

Roo was brought into us and had been dressed in a tiny crochet gown and was led with a blanket and a teddy. The fears I had vanished, everything felt at peace. Seeing Roo made me feel immensely proud. We had done it. We had got through the hardest experience of our lives.

When we left the hospital we were given a memory box, it included the gown, blanket, teddy and his hospital tag.

Roo was going to be cremated and this was being undertaken by the local funeral directors. About a week later Andrew had returned to work and I was home alone. I received a call from the funeral directors telling me when Roo would be cremated and asking if we had anything we wanted to include in the coffin and did we have any preference of music to be played. We hadn’t even planned to attend. I didn’t answer and hung up the phone immediately.

Why hadn’t I thought of this? I felt so guilty, I was such a bad Mum. Our baby was there alone with no teddies, blankets or toys. Just forgotten.  

I jumped in my car, my eyes blurred with tears and my wipers unable to move fast enough to clear the rain from the windscreen. I drove to Babies R Us. When pregnant we had seen a Disney Teddy there, Little Roo. We didn’t buy it at the time as didn’t want to tempt fate. I ran into the shop, tears streaming, straight to Little Roo. I hugged this tiny little kangaroo so tightly and headed for the till. The lady at the checkout must have thought I was crazy, sobbing as I handed over my bank card. She didn’t say anything. I headed straight back home.

That evening I told Andrew about my day, he hugged me tightly and assured me I wasn’t a bad Mum. We decided to include the Teddy from Roo’s memory box to be cremated with him and would keep Little Roo home with us. We also decided to attend the cremation and would ask for Selah ‘I Will Carry You’ and Christina Peri ‘A Thousand Years’ to be played. We would do this alone. We had been alone when we brought him into the world and it felt right to just focus on each other. Our own little family. Like we’d done so many times in the past we didn’t tell anyone. My parents were heading off on holiday and I didn’t want them worrying about me anymore than they already were. They needed the break.  

The day arrived and we stood together outside the crematorium. The funeral directors arrived and asked if Andrew would like to carry Roo, he agreed. Andrew carried Roo for his final journey in a little white box and placed him at the front. We stood together just a few steps from Roo, arms around each other while letting out the tears and listening to the music.

Triploidy

February 2015 arrived and my next cycle began so I took the Clomid. I suffered with really bad headaches, excessive sweating and hot flushes, but this was increasing our chances of pregnancy so it was all worth it. I took my temperature each morning, we had regular sex and I went for my blood test 7 days past ovulation as instructed. My blood test result was good, now it was just a waiting game.

Perched on the edge of our bed we sat watching the egg timer on the digital pregnancy test spin. PREGNANT. I turned to Andrew and we smiled nervously at one another.

This time we would tell our families straight away. We would need their support over the coming weeks, it was an anxious time for us all. The estimated due date of this pregnancy was the same as the pregnancy the year before. Andrews’s sister had also announced her second pregnancy and there was just 3 weeks between us.

Like previously we would have a scan at 8 weeks to rule out Ectopic. Everything was OK. Two weeks later and my anxiety through the roof we paid for an additional scan, a slight mismatch with dates but all was well.

I didn’t feel positive, I was sure something wasn’t right. I was an emotional wreck. I felt incredibly guilty. Guilty for not feeling excited, guilty for being pregnant. If things had gone the way we had hoped previously I wouldn’t be pregnant.

My next scan was booked with the consultant at 12 weeks. A last minute change and my new scan date was scheduled for April 29^th… Exactly 1 year since the last 12 week scan. I had tried to change it but that meant I wouldn’t be able to see the consultant, so we kept it.

April 29^th came and we arrived at the hospital. We sat in the waiting area, my mouth was dry and my tummy turning. I wanted to run. A women in the waiting area turned to me and told me to smile, I should be happy as all children were a blessing she said. I just smiled at her but inside I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell her how insensitive that was. How we don’t all sit in that room and get to see healthy babies bobbing around on the screen. We don’t all get to walk out of here without a trip to the ‘quiet room’ for bad news. I envied her, I envied her naivety.

It is so important to be nice to people, you never really do know what’s going on in their world. I’ve also learnt that people will say the wrong things, they won’t always have thought about it. They don’t mean to hurt or upset you, they just don’t understand. It would be wrong to expect them to, I’m not sure I understand how I feel from day-to-day and I have lived it. I do know that for me, saying anything is better than nothing. For those that know me… Please don’t be scared mentioning it will upset me. I think about it all the time with or without mention. It just lets me know you haven’t forgotten.  

We were there again, the dark scanning room. I was led on the bed, Andrew at my side and I was being scanned by the consultant. She was silent as she took measurements and we awaited her feedback. She put the probe back, turned to us both and said ‘I’m sorry’. Andrews head fell into his hands ‘Oh God’. I was numb, I starred at her wishing her to talk, why are you sorry, what’s wrong? She went on to tell us of multiple abnormalities that could been seen on the scan. She wasn’t confident in giving us a diagnosis so said she would arrange an appointment with Southampton Hospital.

‘It was a year ago today you told us our baby had Anencephaly’ I blurted. I didn’t want to make her feel guilty, I don’t know why I said it. It wasn’t her fault but I suppose I was in shock. Andrew broke, the tears streamed, she handed him a tissue and her eyes filled, removing her headscarf she gave me a cuddle. I didn’t feel anything but lost. The assistant stood back, she dropped her head and wiped her eyes. This was real, this was happening and this was our life. Still I didn’t shed a tear. I didn’t feel present.

The appointment at Southampton was scheduled a few days later, Friday. Andrew sadly lost a brother when he was just 5 months old and we thought there was maybe a link. Maybe that would give us the answer. His dad kindly wrote all the problems that his brother had encountered and we headed to the hospital with his mum for support. We found a third person at our appointments extremely valuable. I found I often switched off from what was being said so it was always nice to have an extra set of ears to take it all in.

The consultant at our scan found similar abnormalities but also more. She thought the Baby possibly had Edwards Syndrome or a similar chromosome abnormality. The next step would be to undergo a CVS (Chorionic villus sampling). It involves a large needle being inserted into the tummy while using ultrasound and taking a sample of the placenta. This was booked for Tuesday. We had the weekend to wait.

That weekend was Bank Holiday, our niece’s 1^st Birthday party and we had a 50^th Birthday party also. Not feeling strong enough to attend and knowing questions would be asked if we didn’t we decided to go away and headed to the Isle of Wight. We would get the ferry back to Southampton in time for our appointment on Tuesday.

It was so lovely to get away, it gave us quality time together to collect our thoughts, feelings and emotions. To be alone, to push things to one side and concentrate on us. I learnt Andrew was stronger than I ever imagined he would be. We worked well as a team, we picked each other up, made each other smile and throughout it all our love for one another grew stronger and stronger.

We talked a lot about the possible decisions we would yet again be faced with. The decision we had made only 1 year ago. Was it the right one? Yes. It still breaks my heart to write this but we were happy with the decision to terminate our pregnancy and if this little baby would enter into the world and suffer then we would make the same decision again.

I often wonder why us? I felt like we had followed the ‘Rule Book of Life’. We were good people, we worked hard, brought a home, got married and would be good parents. I got hooked on certain things that we had maybe done to cause this. We didn’t get married in a church, was God punishing me? We went on to have a blessing in the church. We didn’t eat any of our wedding cake, should I have eaten some wedding cake, was that bad luck? Had I cracked any mirrors, walked under ladders, crossed paths with black cats, I thought about it all. I looked for answers everywhere.

Tuesday came and I went through the uncomfortable CVS procedure and we waited 3 days for the results. Andrew started a new job during this wait. His management were aware of the situation and incredibly supportive but life went on. I spent the days under the watchful eyes of my loving parents, we headed off out and they kept me distracted with lunch and day trips. I received the call we had been waiting for on the journey home from a day out in Salisbury.

It was bad news, the baby had a condition called Triploidy. It meant the baby had a whole extra set of chromosomes, 3 copies of each chromosome opposed to 2. It was extremely rare. We decided to have a second TFMR (Termination for Medical Reasons). This time the termination would be medically managed, not surgical. I would pass the baby naturally back under the care of the incredible team at Basingstoke Hospital.