Triploidy

February 2015 arrived and my next cycle began so I took the Clomid. I suffered with really bad headaches, excessive sweating and hot flushes, but this was increasing our chances of pregnancy so it was all worth it. I took my temperature each morning, we had regular sex and I went for my blood test 7 days past ovulation as instructed. My blood test result was good, now it was just a waiting game.

Perched on the edge of our bed we sat watching the egg timer on the digital pregnancy test spin. PREGNANT. I turned to Andrew and we smiled nervously at one another.

This time we would tell our families straight away. We would need their support over the coming weeks, it was an anxious time for us all. The estimated due date of this pregnancy was the same as the pregnancy the year before. Andrews’s sister had also announced her second pregnancy and there was just 3 weeks between us.

Like previously we would have a scan at 8 weeks to rule out Ectopic. Everything was OK. Two weeks later and my anxiety through the roof we paid for an additional scan, a slight mismatch with dates but all was well.

I didn’t feel positive, I was sure something wasn’t right. I was an emotional wreck. I felt incredibly guilty. Guilty for not feeling excited, guilty for being pregnant. If things had gone the way we had hoped previously I wouldn’t be pregnant.

My next scan was booked with the consultant at 12 weeks. A last minute change and my new scan date was scheduled for April 29^th… Exactly 1 year since the last 12 week scan. I had tried to change it but that meant I wouldn’t be able to see the consultant, so we kept it.

April 29^th came and we arrived at the hospital. We sat in the waiting area, my mouth was dry and my tummy turning. I wanted to run. A women in the waiting area turned to me and told me to smile, I should be happy as all children were a blessing she said. I just smiled at her but inside I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell her how insensitive that was. How we don’t all sit in that room and get to see healthy babies bobbing around on the screen. We don’t all get to walk out of here without a trip to the ‘quiet room’ for bad news. I envied her, I envied her naivety.

It is so important to be nice to people, you never really do know what’s going on in their world. I’ve also learnt that people will say the wrong things, they won’t always have thought about it. They don’t mean to hurt or upset you, they just don’t understand. It would be wrong to expect them to, I’m not sure I understand how I feel from day-to-day and I have lived it. I do know that for me, saying anything is better than nothing. For those that know me… Please don’t be scared mentioning it will upset me. I think about it all the time with or without mention. It just lets me know you haven’t forgotten.  

We were there again, the dark scanning room. I was led on the bed, Andrew at my side and I was being scanned by the consultant. She was silent as she took measurements and we awaited her feedback. She put the probe back, turned to us both and said ‘I’m sorry’. Andrews head fell into his hands ‘Oh God’. I was numb, I starred at her wishing her to talk, why are you sorry, what’s wrong? She went on to tell us of multiple abnormalities that could been seen on the scan. She wasn’t confident in giving us a diagnosis so said she would arrange an appointment with Southampton Hospital.

‘It was a year ago today you told us our baby had Anencephaly’ I blurted. I didn’t want to make her feel guilty, I don’t know why I said it. It wasn’t her fault but I suppose I was in shock. Andrew broke, the tears streamed, she handed him a tissue and her eyes filled, removing her headscarf she gave me a cuddle. I didn’t feel anything but lost. The assistant stood back, she dropped her head and wiped her eyes. This was real, this was happening and this was our life. Still I didn’t shed a tear. I didn’t feel present.

The appointment at Southampton was scheduled a few days later, Friday. Andrew sadly lost a brother when he was just 5 months old and we thought there was maybe a link. Maybe that would give us the answer. His dad kindly wrote all the problems that his brother had encountered and we headed to the hospital with his mum for support. We found a third person at our appointments extremely valuable. I found I often switched off from what was being said so it was always nice to have an extra set of ears to take it all in.

The consultant at our scan found similar abnormalities but also more. She thought the Baby possibly had Edwards Syndrome or a similar chromosome abnormality. The next step would be to undergo a CVS (Chorionic villus sampling). It involves a large needle being inserted into the tummy while using ultrasound and taking a sample of the placenta. This was booked for Tuesday. We had the weekend to wait.

That weekend was Bank Holiday, our niece’s 1^st Birthday party and we had a 50^th Birthday party also. Not feeling strong enough to attend and knowing questions would be asked if we didn’t we decided to go away and headed to the Isle of Wight. We would get the ferry back to Southampton in time for our appointment on Tuesday.

It was so lovely to get away, it gave us quality time together to collect our thoughts, feelings and emotions. To be alone, to push things to one side and concentrate on us. I learnt Andrew was stronger than I ever imagined he would be. We worked well as a team, we picked each other up, made each other smile and throughout it all our love for one another grew stronger and stronger.

We talked a lot about the possible decisions we would yet again be faced with. The decision we had made only 1 year ago. Was it the right one? Yes. It still breaks my heart to write this but we were happy with the decision to terminate our pregnancy and if this little baby would enter into the world and suffer then we would make the same decision again.

I often wonder why us? I felt like we had followed the ‘Rule Book of Life’. We were good people, we worked hard, brought a home, got married and would be good parents. I got hooked on certain things that we had maybe done to cause this. We didn’t get married in a church, was God punishing me? We went on to have a blessing in the church. We didn’t eat any of our wedding cake, should I have eaten some wedding cake, was that bad luck? Had I cracked any mirrors, walked under ladders, crossed paths with black cats, I thought about it all. I looked for answers everywhere.

Tuesday came and I went through the uncomfortable CVS procedure and we waited 3 days for the results. Andrew started a new job during this wait. His management were aware of the situation and incredibly supportive but life went on. I spent the days under the watchful eyes of my loving parents, we headed off out and they kept me distracted with lunch and day trips. I received the call we had been waiting for on the journey home from a day out in Salisbury.

It was bad news, the baby had a condition called Triploidy. It meant the baby had a whole extra set of chromosomes, 3 copies of each chromosome opposed to 2. It was extremely rare. We decided to have a second TFMR (Termination for Medical Reasons). This time the termination would be medically managed, not surgical. I would pass the baby naturally back under the care of the incredible team at Basingstoke Hospital.