Saying Goodbye

11^th May 2015, I took the dreaded tablets to end our much wished for pregnancy. I would return 48 hours later when I would be given pessaries to soften the cervix and deliver Roo. I don’t actually remember where Roo came from but that was the name we had given the baby while pregnant and it had stuck.

We were sat on the ground floor of the hospital, our friends just above us bringing their newest addition into the world. This little boy is now my very cheeky Godson.

I have 5 Godchildren, a niece and a nephew. Our lives are blessed with their magical imaginations, smiles and laughter. They lift us from the darkest of places, they are innocent, caring, show us so much affection and turn to Andrew & I for fun and cuddles. Being greeted by them and witnessing the excitement in their faces as they see us made the pain ease. We have been lucky enough to have big involvements in their lives, we have watched them grow and the individual personalities of them all develop.

The following evening we were having dinner at my parents with my family. I suddenly felt very sick. I was unable to eat, uncomfortable and very hot. Pacing up and down the kitchen we decided to head home. I didn’t have my hospital bag on me and thinking we may have to go in before the scheduled appointment it was best we left.

On the journey home my belly was cramping and my back in agony. We decided we would get home, run a bath and if that didn’t settle it then we would head into hospital. I hate hospitals, I have never left a hospital and felt relived. I was in no hurry to head there.

As I stepped into the bath there was two tiny little pops. A very light brown liquid dribbled down my leg. What was that? Andrew now adamant we were heading straight to the hospital walked into our bedroom and phoned the ward while I showered off. I was still in incredible pain.

Suddenly the urge to push, I was scared, crying and panic had taken over. What if Roo came now? I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want any more attachment than I needed to have with this pregnancy and baby, I wasn’t strong enough to face seeing him.

I screamed for Andrew, ‘Roo’s coming I can feel it’ I sobbed. He grabbed the towel and helped me out of the bath. I was on the floor of the bathroom knelt up on my knees with the towel beneath me. As I pushed I could feel Roo between my legs. My eyes fixed on Andrew to help me, he knelt beside me and confirmed Roo was there still attached by the umbilical cord. He pinched it between his fingers to release Roo. I couldn’t look. He wrapped him up and told me to get dressed as we now needed to go to the hospital.

Roo had been delivered very late in the evening on the 12^th May.

At the hospital they examined me, I still had to deliver the after birth. That’s why I was still cramping. They would do this using forceps, it was uncomfortable but afterwards all my cramping and pain disappeared. They advised me that other couples who had experienced similar found it beneficial to see their babies as it helped them grieve.

Andrew had seen Roo, how could I let him deal with that alone? I agreed to see him in the morning.

Roo was brought into us and had been dressed in a tiny crochet gown and was led with a blanket and a teddy. The fears I had vanished, everything felt at peace. Seeing Roo made me feel immensely proud. We had done it. We had got through the hardest experience of our lives.

When we left the hospital we were given a memory box, it included the gown, blanket, teddy and his hospital tag.

Roo was going to be cremated and this was being undertaken by the local funeral directors. About a week later Andrew had returned to work and I was home alone. I received a call from the funeral directors telling me when Roo would be cremated and asking if we had anything we wanted to include in the coffin and did we have any preference of music to be played. We hadn’t even planned to attend. I didn’t answer and hung up the phone immediately.

Why hadn’t I thought of this? I felt so guilty, I was such a bad Mum. Our baby was there alone with no teddies, blankets or toys. Just forgotten.  

I jumped in my car, my eyes blurred with tears and my wipers unable to move fast enough to clear the rain from the windscreen. I drove to Babies R Us. When pregnant we had seen a Disney Teddy there, Little Roo. We didn’t buy it at the time as didn’t want to tempt fate. I ran into the shop, tears streaming, straight to Little Roo. I hugged this tiny little kangaroo so tightly and headed for the till. The lady at the checkout must have thought I was crazy, sobbing as I handed over my bank card. She didn’t say anything. I headed straight back home.

That evening I told Andrew about my day, he hugged me tightly and assured me I wasn’t a bad Mum. We decided to include the Teddy from Roo’s memory box to be cremated with him and would keep Little Roo home with us. We also decided to attend the cremation and would ask for Selah ‘I Will Carry You’ and Christina Peri ‘A Thousand Years’ to be played. We would do this alone. We had been alone when we brought him into the world and it felt right to just focus on each other. Our own little family. Like we’d done so many times in the past we didn’t tell anyone. My parents were heading off on holiday and I didn’t want them worrying about me anymore than they already were. They needed the break.  

The day arrived and we stood together outside the crematorium. The funeral directors arrived and asked if Andrew would like to carry Roo, he agreed. Andrew carried Roo for his final journey in a little white box and placed him at the front. We stood together just a few steps from Roo, arms around each other while letting out the tears and listening to the music.