Expecting Our Rainbow

In the months that past after the cremation of Roo I took some much needed time out from work. Andrew got stuck into his new job, he had made a step into car sales. It was demanding on his time and weekends, it kept him busy and would pay well.

I made some great new friends while off from work, they were all mums, home with little ones which is ironic but they supported me and included me on days out and coffee catch ups which kept me busy. Thankfully ‘Mum’ chat wasn’t what I had previously imagined, they made me laugh, let me cry and opened my eyes to parenthood of earth babies.

After months away from work I returned to my Monday-Friday, 8-4 job. This proved very testing on my relationship with Andrew. He was often home late and I was eating alone, he worked Saturdays and was usually too tiered and depressed to do anything come Sunday so the one day we had together we would mope around the house. I felt lonely, surrounded by people but lonely.

Things needed to change, we couldn’t go on like this, Andrew agreed. He was often returning home to a teary wife. That wasn’t good for either of us. He quit his job and returned to his previous role at a different dealership. I applied for a new job and we decide to move house. Our home held so many unhappy memories of the past few years.

Stressed with the pressure of my new role in Project Management, mortgage offers, surveys and New Home builders February 2016 had already arrived. A year since the conception of Roo had passed in a blur.

Andrew returned home from work and asked that after dinner we took a walk to the shop and brought a pregnancy test. He had a feeling we were expecting and had picked up on some boob changes… Men :)

My period was late and I hadn’t even noticed. The crazy, obsessed, TTC Sisterhood member hadn’t noticed! That was a huge positive in itself.  I was resistant but agreed and we walked up to our local supermarket.

That evening I sat in the bathroom and took yet another pregnancy test. Andrew waited in our bedroom. I walked in and flung the test at him ‘Clear as day’ I said, angry. He picked the test up. PREGNANT. ‘You’re pregnant’ he said, looking at me bewildered. I started to cry and he brought me into his chest. My safe place.

I knew it said pregnant but I couldn’t believe I was putting us through it again. Things were picking up 2016 was set out to be a good year and we had so much going on. I didn’t want to drag us back down again. The happiness and joy that had previously come from a positive pregnancy test had gone. This baby would again have a November due date, like the previous two pregnancies.

Very detached from the pregnancy we continued with our lives. Attending appointments and scans. Ticking them off, one at a time. This pregnancy was our secret and wouldn’t be shared until we were confident I was carrying a healthy baby. Yes we needed support but more than anything we wanted the opportunity to share good news, not news that came with anxieties and worries.

We were scanned by the consultant at 8 weeks and this time we paid for a private test called Harmony. At just 10 weeks pregnant I went and had a blood test. The test would analyse cell free DNA and would tell us if our baby had a chromosome abnormality. The results would be back before the dreaded 12 week scan. (It is important I mention that our abnormalities have been picked up at 12 weeks but for many they are not picked up until the abnormality scan at 20 weeks or beyond in rare cases.)

Sat in the garden at my sister in laws surrounded by my new ‘Mum’ friends, loading my email it was there. The results had been emailed to me. They were unaware. I walked off outside and tried to call Andrew. Do I read them? Did I wait till we were together? I expected a call in a few days’ time I didn’t realise I would receive them as an email or so soon.  Andrew didn’t answer.

I returned to the garden and waited an hour or so before I couldn’t take it any longer. I looked at the results. Our fourth baby, our precious little rainbow was healthy.

A Rainbow pregnancy or baby follows from a pregnancy or infant loss. In the real world a beautiful bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better.

I left his sisters and headed to the supermarket, at just 11 weeks pregnant I picked up a card and 2 newborn baby grows. I put them in a gift box and later that evening presented Andrew with the box and card from his Baby GIRL.

This pregnancy has been kind to us, we’ve pushed through the appointments and all is well. The anxieties have been hard, our losses are etched into our hearts and will never be forgotten. I am writing from a much better place, a stronger place. Together we have come so far, together we have learnt that just a little bit of love can give you the most incredible strength. Nobody should have to face this heartache alone.  

Our story is about to get a very happy new beginning. It feels my heart with love, warmth, excitement and nerves to write that Andrew & I are expecting to welcome our baby girl into the world in just 6 weeks time.