1 Year On

So here we are, a whole year has passed and we now have a walking, talking beautiful 1 year old little girl.

I was induced a few weeks early and throughout my labour I never allowed myself to believe she would be here. I was petrified. Labour for me was going to be the end. The closest we’d ever got to having an earth baby and becoming a family of 3. I never allowed myself to think things would go smoothly. Aniexty stripped the excitement and anticipation of her arrival leaving nothing but fear.

A perfect baby was placed on my chest. I didn’t feel the overwhelming sense of love many new mums talk about and went into a state a shock. We had done it, all those years and heartache dreaming of this moment and it was here. She was here, my mini me, our Little Libby.

Through the overwhelming emotions and the realisation that she needed me, needed Andrew and deserved nothing but the best from us both it wasn’t long before I fell more deeply in love than I ever imagined possible. She was ours.

That moment change our lives forever, it was the start of what has become the most rewarding, fulfilling, exciting new journey!

She was soon smiling, rolling, sitting, clapping, ‘Dadda, Mumma, Nana, Ta’, crawling, pulling herself up, waving, standing, feeding herself, a tooth, walking, blowing kisses. While my heart bursts with pride every time she does something new there’s a sadness tugging at it too. Where has my little baby gone? She is now fiercely independent, confident, extremely happy & content little girl.

I know every parent dreams of a happy healthy child growing and developing as they should. That I have and I’m so, so thankful but I can’t help but want to pause time for a moment. Don’t grow up too quickly Libby, please.

Libby because of you, I’ve found myself. Because of you, we have a reason to smile every single day. Because of you, we are parents. Something we always dreamed of. Because of you, we know the deepest meaning of love. Because of you, we strive to be the best we can be. Because of you, we are beyond tired - always! But because of you, we are complete, we are one, we are a family. 

Thank you for being everything we ever dreamed of and more. Loving you is the easiest thing I have ever done. You are my rainbow, my sunshine, my everything. 

Happy 1st Birthday xxx

Expecting Our Rainbow

In the months that past after the cremation of Roo I took some much needed time out from work. Andrew got stuck into his new job, he had made a step into car sales. It was demanding on his time and weekends, it kept him busy and would pay well.

I made some great new friends while off from work, they were all mums, home with little ones which is ironic but they supported me and included me on days out and coffee catch ups which kept me busy. Thankfully ‘Mum’ chat wasn’t what I had previously imagined, they made me laugh, let me cry and opened my eyes to parenthood of earth babies.

After months away from work I returned to my Monday-Friday, 8-4 job. This proved very testing on my relationship with Andrew. He was often home late and I was eating alone, he worked Saturdays and was usually too tiered and depressed to do anything come Sunday so the one day we had together we would mope around the house. I felt lonely, surrounded by people but lonely.

Things needed to change, we couldn’t go on like this, Andrew agreed. He was often returning home to a teary wife. That wasn’t good for either of us. He quit his job and returned to his previous role at a different dealership. I applied for a new job and we decide to move house. Our home held so many unhappy memories of the past few years.

Stressed with the pressure of my new role in Project Management, mortgage offers, surveys and New Home builders February 2016 had already arrived. A year since the conception of Roo had passed in a blur.

Andrew returned home from work and asked that after dinner we took a walk to the shop and brought a pregnancy test. He had a feeling we were expecting and had picked up on some boob changes… Men :)

My period was late and I hadn’t even noticed. The crazy, obsessed, TTC Sisterhood member hadn’t noticed! That was a huge positive in itself.  I was resistant but agreed and we walked up to our local supermarket.

That evening I sat in the bathroom and took yet another pregnancy test. Andrew waited in our bedroom. I walked in and flung the test at him ‘Clear as day’ I said, angry. He picked the test up. PREGNANT. ‘You’re pregnant’ he said, looking at me bewildered. I started to cry and he brought me into his chest. My safe place.

I knew it said pregnant but I couldn’t believe I was putting us through it again. Things were picking up 2016 was set out to be a good year and we had so much going on. I didn’t want to drag us back down again. The happiness and joy that had previously come from a positive pregnancy test had gone. This baby would again have a November due date, like the previous two pregnancies.

Very detached from the pregnancy we continued with our lives. Attending appointments and scans. Ticking them off, one at a time. This pregnancy was our secret and wouldn’t be shared until we were confident I was carrying a healthy baby. Yes we needed support but more than anything we wanted the opportunity to share good news, not news that came with anxieties and worries.

We were scanned by the consultant at 8 weeks and this time we paid for a private test called Harmony. At just 10 weeks pregnant I went and had a blood test. The test would analyse cell free DNA and would tell us if our baby had a chromosome abnormality. The results would be back before the dreaded 12 week scan. (It is important I mention that our abnormalities have been picked up at 12 weeks but for many they are not picked up until the abnormality scan at 20 weeks or beyond in rare cases.)

Sat in the garden at my sister in laws surrounded by my new ‘Mum’ friends, loading my email it was there. The results had been emailed to me. They were unaware. I walked off outside and tried to call Andrew. Do I read them? Did I wait till we were together? I expected a call in a few days’ time I didn’t realise I would receive them as an email or so soon.  Andrew didn’t answer.

I returned to the garden and waited an hour or so before I couldn’t take it any longer. I looked at the results. Our fourth baby, our precious little rainbow was healthy.

A Rainbow pregnancy or baby follows from a pregnancy or infant loss. In the real world a beautiful bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better.

I left his sisters and headed to the supermarket, at just 11 weeks pregnant I picked up a card and 2 newborn baby grows. I put them in a gift box and later that evening presented Andrew with the box and card from his Baby GIRL.

This pregnancy has been kind to us, we’ve pushed through the appointments and all is well. The anxieties have been hard, our losses are etched into our hearts and will never be forgotten. I am writing from a much better place, a stronger place. Together we have come so far, together we have learnt that just a little bit of love can give you the most incredible strength. Nobody should have to face this heartache alone.  

Our story is about to get a very happy new beginning. It feels my heart with love, warmth, excitement and nerves to write that Andrew & I are expecting to welcome our baby girl into the world in just 6 weeks time. 

Saying Goodbye

11^th May 2015, I took the dreaded tablets to end our much wished for pregnancy. I would return 48 hours later when I would be given pessaries to soften the cervix and deliver Roo. I don’t actually remember where Roo came from but that was the name we had given the baby while pregnant and it had stuck.

We were sat on the ground floor of the hospital, our friends just above us bringing their newest addition into the world. This little boy is now my very cheeky Godson.

I have 5 Godchildren, a niece and a nephew. Our lives are blessed with their magical imaginations, smiles and laughter. They lift us from the darkest of places, they are innocent, caring, show us so much affection and turn to Andrew & I for fun and cuddles. Being greeted by them and witnessing the excitement in their faces as they see us made the pain ease. We have been lucky enough to have big involvements in their lives, we have watched them grow and the individual personalities of them all develop.

The following evening we were having dinner at my parents with my family. I suddenly felt very sick. I was unable to eat, uncomfortable and very hot. Pacing up and down the kitchen we decided to head home. I didn’t have my hospital bag on me and thinking we may have to go in before the scheduled appointment it was best we left.

On the journey home my belly was cramping and my back in agony. We decided we would get home, run a bath and if that didn’t settle it then we would head into hospital. I hate hospitals, I have never left a hospital and felt relived. I was in no hurry to head there.

As I stepped into the bath there was two tiny little pops. A very light brown liquid dribbled down my leg. What was that? Andrew now adamant we were heading straight to the hospital walked into our bedroom and phoned the ward while I showered off. I was still in incredible pain.

Suddenly the urge to push, I was scared, crying and panic had taken over. What if Roo came now? I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want any more attachment than I needed to have with this pregnancy and baby, I wasn’t strong enough to face seeing him.

I screamed for Andrew, ‘Roo’s coming I can feel it’ I sobbed. He grabbed the towel and helped me out of the bath. I was on the floor of the bathroom knelt up on my knees with the towel beneath me. As I pushed I could feel Roo between my legs. My eyes fixed on Andrew to help me, he knelt beside me and confirmed Roo was there still attached by the umbilical cord. He pinched it between his fingers to release Roo. I couldn’t look. He wrapped him up and told me to get dressed as we now needed to go to the hospital.

Roo had been delivered very late in the evening on the 12^th May.

At the hospital they examined me, I still had to deliver the after birth. That’s why I was still cramping. They would do this using forceps, it was uncomfortable but afterwards all my cramping and pain disappeared. They advised me that other couples who had experienced similar found it beneficial to see their babies as it helped them grieve.

Andrew had seen Roo, how could I let him deal with that alone? I agreed to see him in the morning.

Roo was brought into us and had been dressed in a tiny crochet gown and was led with a blanket and a teddy. The fears I had vanished, everything felt at peace. Seeing Roo made me feel immensely proud. We had done it. We had got through the hardest experience of our lives.

When we left the hospital we were given a memory box, it included the gown, blanket, teddy and his hospital tag.

Roo was going to be cremated and this was being undertaken by the local funeral directors. About a week later Andrew had returned to work and I was home alone. I received a call from the funeral directors telling me when Roo would be cremated and asking if we had anything we wanted to include in the coffin and did we have any preference of music to be played. We hadn’t even planned to attend. I didn’t answer and hung up the phone immediately.

Why hadn’t I thought of this? I felt so guilty, I was such a bad Mum. Our baby was there alone with no teddies, blankets or toys. Just forgotten.  

I jumped in my car, my eyes blurred with tears and my wipers unable to move fast enough to clear the rain from the windscreen. I drove to Babies R Us. When pregnant we had seen a Disney Teddy there, Little Roo. We didn’t buy it at the time as didn’t want to tempt fate. I ran into the shop, tears streaming, straight to Little Roo. I hugged this tiny little kangaroo so tightly and headed for the till. The lady at the checkout must have thought I was crazy, sobbing as I handed over my bank card. She didn’t say anything. I headed straight back home.

That evening I told Andrew about my day, he hugged me tightly and assured me I wasn’t a bad Mum. We decided to include the Teddy from Roo’s memory box to be cremated with him and would keep Little Roo home with us. We also decided to attend the cremation and would ask for Selah ‘I Will Carry You’ and Christina Peri ‘A Thousand Years’ to be played. We would do this alone. We had been alone when we brought him into the world and it felt right to just focus on each other. Our own little family. Like we’d done so many times in the past we didn’t tell anyone. My parents were heading off on holiday and I didn’t want them worrying about me anymore than they already were. They needed the break.  

The day arrived and we stood together outside the crematorium. The funeral directors arrived and asked if Andrew would like to carry Roo, he agreed. Andrew carried Roo for his final journey in a little white box and placed him at the front. We stood together just a few steps from Roo, arms around each other while letting out the tears and listening to the music.

Triploidy

February 2015 arrived and my next cycle began so I took the Clomid. I suffered with really bad headaches, excessive sweating and hot flushes, but this was increasing our chances of pregnancy so it was all worth it. I took my temperature each morning, we had regular sex and I went for my blood test 7 days past ovulation as instructed. My blood test result was good, now it was just a waiting game.

Perched on the edge of our bed we sat watching the egg timer on the digital pregnancy test spin. PREGNANT. I turned to Andrew and we smiled nervously at one another.

This time we would tell our families straight away. We would need their support over the coming weeks, it was an anxious time for us all. The estimated due date of this pregnancy was the same as the pregnancy the year before. Andrews’s sister had also announced her second pregnancy and there was just 3 weeks between us.

Like previously we would have a scan at 8 weeks to rule out Ectopic. Everything was OK. Two weeks later and my anxiety through the roof we paid for an additional scan, a slight mismatch with dates but all was well.

I didn’t feel positive, I was sure something wasn’t right. I was an emotional wreck. I felt incredibly guilty. Guilty for not feeling excited, guilty for being pregnant. If things had gone the way we had hoped previously I wouldn’t be pregnant.

My next scan was booked with the consultant at 12 weeks. A last minute change and my new scan date was scheduled for April 29^th… Exactly 1 year since the last 12 week scan. I had tried to change it but that meant I wouldn’t be able to see the consultant, so we kept it.

April 29^th came and we arrived at the hospital. We sat in the waiting area, my mouth was dry and my tummy turning. I wanted to run. A women in the waiting area turned to me and told me to smile, I should be happy as all children were a blessing she said. I just smiled at her but inside I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell her how insensitive that was. How we don’t all sit in that room and get to see healthy babies bobbing around on the screen. We don’t all get to walk out of here without a trip to the ‘quiet room’ for bad news. I envied her, I envied her naivety.

It is so important to be nice to people, you never really do know what’s going on in their world. I’ve also learnt that people will say the wrong things, they won’t always have thought about it. They don’t mean to hurt or upset you, they just don’t understand. It would be wrong to expect them to, I’m not sure I understand how I feel from day-to-day and I have lived it. I do know that for me, saying anything is better than nothing. For those that know me… Please don’t be scared mentioning it will upset me. I think about it all the time with or without mention. It just lets me know you haven’t forgotten.  

We were there again, the dark scanning room. I was led on the bed, Andrew at my side and I was being scanned by the consultant. She was silent as she took measurements and we awaited her feedback. She put the probe back, turned to us both and said ‘I’m sorry’. Andrews head fell into his hands ‘Oh God’. I was numb, I starred at her wishing her to talk, why are you sorry, what’s wrong? She went on to tell us of multiple abnormalities that could been seen on the scan. She wasn’t confident in giving us a diagnosis so said she would arrange an appointment with Southampton Hospital.

‘It was a year ago today you told us our baby had Anencephaly’ I blurted. I didn’t want to make her feel guilty, I don’t know why I said it. It wasn’t her fault but I suppose I was in shock. Andrew broke, the tears streamed, she handed him a tissue and her eyes filled, removing her headscarf she gave me a cuddle. I didn’t feel anything but lost. The assistant stood back, she dropped her head and wiped her eyes. This was real, this was happening and this was our life. Still I didn’t shed a tear. I didn’t feel present.

The appointment at Southampton was scheduled a few days later, Friday. Andrew sadly lost a brother when he was just 5 months old and we thought there was maybe a link. Maybe that would give us the answer. His dad kindly wrote all the problems that his brother had encountered and we headed to the hospital with his mum for support. We found a third person at our appointments extremely valuable. I found I often switched off from what was being said so it was always nice to have an extra set of ears to take it all in.

The consultant at our scan found similar abnormalities but also more. She thought the Baby possibly had Edwards Syndrome or a similar chromosome abnormality. The next step would be to undergo a CVS (Chorionic villus sampling). It involves a large needle being inserted into the tummy while using ultrasound and taking a sample of the placenta. This was booked for Tuesday. We had the weekend to wait.

That weekend was Bank Holiday, our niece’s 1^st Birthday party and we had a 50^th Birthday party also. Not feeling strong enough to attend and knowing questions would be asked if we didn’t we decided to go away and headed to the Isle of Wight. We would get the ferry back to Southampton in time for our appointment on Tuesday.

It was so lovely to get away, it gave us quality time together to collect our thoughts, feelings and emotions. To be alone, to push things to one side and concentrate on us. I learnt Andrew was stronger than I ever imagined he would be. We worked well as a team, we picked each other up, made each other smile and throughout it all our love for one another grew stronger and stronger.

We talked a lot about the possible decisions we would yet again be faced with. The decision we had made only 1 year ago. Was it the right one? Yes. It still breaks my heart to write this but we were happy with the decision to terminate our pregnancy and if this little baby would enter into the world and suffer then we would make the same decision again.

I often wonder why us? I felt like we had followed the ‘Rule Book of Life’. We were good people, we worked hard, brought a home, got married and would be good parents. I got hooked on certain things that we had maybe done to cause this. We didn’t get married in a church, was God punishing me? We went on to have a blessing in the church. We didn’t eat any of our wedding cake, should I have eaten some wedding cake, was that bad luck? Had I cracked any mirrors, walked under ladders, crossed paths with black cats, I thought about it all. I looked for answers everywhere.

Tuesday came and I went through the uncomfortable CVS procedure and we waited 3 days for the results. Andrew started a new job during this wait. His management were aware of the situation and incredibly supportive but life went on. I spent the days under the watchful eyes of my loving parents, we headed off out and they kept me distracted with lunch and day trips. I received the call we had been waiting for on the journey home from a day out in Salisbury.

It was bad news, the baby had a condition called Triploidy. It meant the baby had a whole extra set of chromosomes, 3 copies of each chromosome opposed to 2. It was extremely rare. We decided to have a second TFMR (Termination for Medical Reasons). This time the termination would be medically managed, not surgical. I would pass the baby naturally back under the care of the incredible team at Basingstoke Hospital.  

Infertility

Trying for a baby and a history that now included two losses didn’t come without regular appointments at the hospital.

We were under the care of Basingstoke Hospital. I can’t fault the incredible staff there. They have been so sensitive, supportive and the care we have received has been brilliant. We are extremely lucky to have a National Health Service.

After the second pregnancy loss we were fast tracked to see a Fertility Consultant. Under normal circumstances you would be required to wait until a year had passed without a conception before being referred but I understand that this can vary all over the UK and can vary depending on your age. We met with a fertility consultant and we would now undergo a series of hospital tests.

You’re still so young, people would say, you have ages to start a family, just enjoy life.

Was I too young? What did that have to do with anything? We were married, in love and wanted a baby. The age we decided to start a family would be our choice and was no business of anyone else.  

Your time will come and everything will be OK.

Will it? Can you guarantee that for me? I would think. If only I could just see a glimmer of my life in the future. If I just knew that one day I would get to hold our healthy baby in my arms it would make this journey so much easier. There would be a light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel felt long, dark and lonely.  

I was booked in for a scan. This would check my womb, left fallopian tube and look for cysts on my ovaries. I would have a blood test on day 1-5 of my cycle, and then day 21. This was to look at my hormone levels and ovulation. It would be repeated for 3 cycles. I was also booked in for HSG (hysterosalpingogram). This is an x-ray test that would check my remaining tube was not blocked and that the shape and structure of everything looked normal. It involved a dye inserted into my vagina while under x-ray so that the flow could be seen. I spent all evening crying following that test... Why had ‘baby making’ become so medical, embarrassing, uncomfortable and scary.  

I was often told to relax, it would happen if I stopped worrying and thinking about it. This used to really frustrate me. How was I supposed to stop worrying and thinking about it when I was so regularly being seen by the hospital? I was adamant they would find something wrong, at least that would give me the answers I was looking for and a reason for having lost two babies. However everything was fine, all my test results were normal.

Andrew also underwent a sperm test. We lived too far from the hospital for him to be allowed to provide a sample at home so I attended his appointment with him. Nervously we sat in the corridor just down from the fertility department. I was a little giggly, I couldn’t help it. I think a tiny element of it was nerves but I am human and I did find it a little funny. For once the pressure of this test wasn’t on me.

A lady in a white lab coat walked out into the corridor ‘Mr Reed?, he stood. Pulling her latex glove on over her fingers with an exaggerated ping she turned to me ‘Would you like to go in with him?’, I shook my head, ‘Andrew, would you like some materials?’, he shook his head. CRINGE. My lips and cheeks went so tight I thought I was going to burst with laughter. She opened the door to a small room, in the room a chair sat centrally alone. She handed Andrew a sample bottle as he entered and he closed the door and did what he needed to do.

All tests complete we were booked back in with the Fertility Consultant. This appointment was scheduled for January 2015. Another New Year was here.

At our appointment the test results were discussed and I was prescribed a tablet called Clomid. I would take this tablet for 5 days at the start of my next cycle. This tablet would increase my chances of ovulation and therefore our chances of conceiving. Like most tablets it came with side effects and like most fertility treatment a risk of a multiple pregnancy. I would have blood tests through the cycle to monitor the effects.

We left the hospital and finally I felt a little bit of control. I had something I could take that was medically proven to increase the chances of conceiving, not just an old wives tale I had read about online. I would take the Clomid when my next cycle started in February.

Anencephaly

Under a resolution to keep away from the internet, test sticks and craziness that had previously absorbed me, 2014 got off to a much better start.

I was still taking my temperature daily, it was a good way to monitor my cycles and detect ovulation which for me varied in each cycle. I was also having regular reflexology which I would recommend to anyone, it regulated my cycles and I got the best night’s sleep following a treatment.  Also for an hour each fortnight I relaxed away from everything and indulged in some me time.  I still have reflexology now.

February ended on a high, finally a positive pregnancy test! Because of the Ectopic I would have a scan at 8 weeks to check the baby was growing in the right place. We’d had our bad luck, we’d been the 1 in 4 and now this was our time. We decided we would share the news with family after the scan, when we had a scan picture to show off.

Our scan was on Andrews mums birthday, the baby was growing well and the flicker of heartbeat could be seen, a feeling of love overwhelmed us. We had the scan picture rolled up and put inside a balloon. That evening at dinner with all his family Andrew gave his mum a Birthday card which included a safety pin & asked her to pop the balloon. Once the balloon was popped and the picture unrolled she screamed with excitement jumping up and down and hugging us both so tightly. A reaction beyond our expectations.

The next day we had dinner with my family, Chinese take away! My parents were in on the plan and we had made some fortune cookies that inside read ‘Baby Reed due November 2014’. After dinner we all opened a fortune cookie, my brothers were more interested in the cookies than the fortune and my sister in law firstly thought she had opened mine but it didn’t take long for the penny to drop.

So much excitement, planning and dreaming followed in the weeks to come. Our baby was on the way! We measured up the spare room for furniture and spent hours online looking at all the things we would purchase, reading reviews and discussing names, absorbing every moment of pregnancy. We booked a last minute final holiday for the two of us and would return the day before the 12 week scan.

Scan day arrived, April 29^th, we were woken by a phone call. Our beautiful, blue eyed niece had safely entered the world. Our scan was scheduled just before visiting hours so we would head to the hospital with Andrews mum and then go and meet our newborn niece.

While Andrew was in the shower I had a cuddle with my Dad. I was feeling extremely sick, nervous and needed some support. In just a few hours we would be at our 12 week scan.  

‘What happens if the scan doesn’t go well? How do I deal with the possibility of bringing sadness into a day that should now be filled with sheer joy?’ I asked him.

Dad gave me the comfort I needed, he couldn’t guarantee everything would be OK but he could remind me I was strong, I had a supportive family and I wouldn’t have to face anything alone.

We were there in a room of darkness, I was led on the hospital bed with Andrew at my side as we held hands tightly. Jelly was applied to my belly and the sonographer started the scan. A friend of mine had suffered a silent miscarriage and I was petrified I would too however a moment later a baby could be seen, the heartbeat still flickering. Few.

‘I’m sorry’ she said. ‘I just need to get another opinion’ and she left the room. The chill of panic ran through my body. I knew it, I knew something was wrong. She returned to the room with a second sonographer who took over the ultrasound machine. Just minutes later they turned to us and broke the news that our baby, our second baby, looked to have a brain abnormality. Unfortunately the consultant wasn’t available and we were asked to return tomorrow.

As we walked down the corridor and out of the hospital the lump building in my throat suffocated me. I couldn’t breathe. The tears came flooding for us both.

Outside we were greeted by Andrew’s mum who was waiting to visit her first grandchild and hear our news. We didn’t speak, we didn’t need to. She knew, the tears rolled down her face too as we all stood there holding one another in the car park. Empty.

On the drive back home, Andrew was able to tell her what had happened, he asked her not to tell his sister until tomorrow, she had just had her beautiful little girl and the day should be celebrated. I just stared out of the window in silence. When I got home I walked in and howled, my parents were in the kitchen. They often talk about the ‘howl’ and pain they could hear in my cry. Through the tears and lack of breath I was able to tell them our devastating news.

Minutes felt like hours as we clocked watched counting down to the appointment with the consultant.

His sister was told the following morning, she was home from hospital and we went to visit, our pregnancy was not to be mentioned. The first time we met our niece we would never get back and we didn’t want it to be taken over by the sadness, the sadness was there but silent. I managed to hold her, admire her tiny fingers and toes. We didn’t stay long. We didn’t know then but it would be weeks before we would have the courage to see her again.

At the hospital our worst fears were confirmed as we sat in the ‘quiet room’. My mum was there for support and it was explained to us that our baby had an abnormality known as Anencephaly. When born it was unlikely the baby would survive more than a few hours. It was then we made one of the hardest decisions of our lives. We decided to have a TFMR (Termination For Medical Reasons).

Deciding to terminate our much wanted pregnancy didn’t come easily. How do you decide to end something you have spent years dreaming of? How do you choose to end a life you have created?

We wanted this baby more than we wanted anything in the world. However we were parents and decisions were no longer about us, how could we bring a baby into the world that would potentially suffer?  How could we put ourselves and our family through a pregnancy and the birth of a baby that would likely never make it home? These factors outweighed our desire to have a baby. I would be admitted to hospital 2 days later for a surgical procedure that would end the pregnancy.

This time we decided to tell our closest friends, I had learnt from the Ectopic that keeping things bottled up was not good for my well-being. I needed to be able to open up about how I was feeling. For 2 years I had felt stuck in the body of someone that wasn’t actually me, hiding a secret life from most of my friends. My best friend had known from the Ectopic and certainly reminded me how to have a good time when I was feeling low so to her I will be eternally grateful.

I went to hospital, was put under general, woke up and it was over. The baby had gone, dreams shattered.

A few weeks later my Dad reminded me of the joy that being pregnant had brought to us all. The baby that we never got to meet brought us all such happiness for those few weeks. We wouldn’t let this pregnancy end our journey, we would continue to chase our dreams. 

Trying To Concieve

February 2013, we decided to try again. Trying should have been fun, I was just 22 and we had only been married a year. The problem was I had now experienced a pregnancy loss. I had hidden it from my friends and turned to the internet. I was now a part of a ‘sisterhood’ from all over the world on the journey to motherhood.

The TTC (Trying to Conceive) Sisterhood speak a new language. I learnt a lot.  Many of these ladies have incredible stories, a great depth of knowledge and we all shared a common goal… GET PREGNANT! They were my lifeline, they became my obsession. TTC took over my life.

All this knowledge turned me crazy. Sex became scheduled and would involve special lubricants applied 15 mins prior to sex, pillows under my bum followed by my legs in the air, a daily 5am alarm to check my basal body temperature and no wee passed without being tested for ovulation or pregnancy depending on where I was in my cycle. Andrew was now married to a women on a mission and the most intimate thing in our marriage had become a chore.

In the summer of 2013 my sister in law let me in on her plans to start a family. Finally someone in my non virtual life I could talk to. I bombarded her with information, I opened up about my feelings, I shared everything and we spent hours upon hours emailing, I was no longer alone. We were in this together.

October came and she announced to us her pregnancy. 12 weeks, she was already 12 weeks pregnant. She had her first ultrasound earlier that week and they were now in the ‘safe’ zone and ready to share their news. We left their home and it was raining, I ran to the car, I ran to our room, I got into bed and stayed there for 2 days sobbing uncontrollably.

Was I jealous? No I don’t think so. Of course I would be lying if I said I’ve not felt jealousy along the way but she wasn’t the first person in my life to fall pregnant while we were trying. This baby wouldn’t be the first, nor the last. What I did feel was deception. All that time I thought she understood, I felt I wasn’t alone, we were in it together. I know now that she would have never wanted to deceive me. For them it was exciting, they were bringing a new life into the world and embarking on a new chapter. It’s also very much the norm to wait till 12 weeks for the big reveal. But for me life was on hold and it was back to my online TTC Sisterhood, back to feeling alone and bottling up all the emotions following my Ectopic and trying for a baby in the life I actually lived.

I pulled myself together and put on a brave face as my brother’s wedding day had arrived. I was privileged to sit on the top table as Maid of Honor. It was one of the proudest, happiest days of my life. However as I sat there in a room full of friends and family filled with love and laughter a part of me was empty. Our first baby should have been there, 3 months old. My life could have been so different. These thoughts don’t leave me, many an occasion I reflect on how old they would have been and who would they have looked liked, what would they be doing.

Christmas Day came and a year had passed since the Ectopic. I remember preparing the vegetables with my mum, dad was lighting the fire, Andrew playing games with my brothers and finally I felt like a weight had been lifted. We had survived the first year, all be it a little unsteady but we had got through it and we would continue to do so. I have a wonderful family, they are just there, tolerating my meltdowns, picking me back up again and never short of fun and laughter.

2014 New Year’s resolution… Enjoy every day, be spontaneous and show my husband I adored him. He wasn’t just a sperm donor, he was and still is the love of my life, my rock and he deserved his wife back.